Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
