If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
