Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
