Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
