If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
handjob tips. give me some.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
