New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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