i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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