Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
