There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Couch. On fire.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize