Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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