My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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