I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
