I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
