Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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