I cannot find my penis.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize