dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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