awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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