how hairy? two words: wookie tits
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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