woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
