If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize