OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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