You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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