Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize