Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So many bounce houses so little time
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
