He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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