You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
