Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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