State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
