so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
