I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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