it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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