Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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