i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
