Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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