I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
