he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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