Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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