do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
