seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
