You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
