First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
