dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
