she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
