I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
