he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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