Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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