Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
