the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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