Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
