STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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