His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
