i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
