my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
