So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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