I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So much rum. So many feels.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
