is wine microwaveable?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
