There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
