Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize