I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
